Original ideas seldom germinate from our traditionalist columnists Alamai Writer, Aflatoon Penwalla and Letap Wordwalla. They like to harp on the themes of "religion in danger," "preserve racial purity," "practice Parsipanu" and so on... But like the ruling party at the center they also understand that building temples, minority bashing, name calling and shaming can only take you so far. Something more is required.
"What your little rag requires is a serious ‘Question and Answer’ column dealing with the real issues confronting the community," they opined. "No one wants the pseudo intellectual, anti-Parsi propaganda you dish out in every issue. No wonder your subscribers and advertisers are deserting you."
We wanted to explain that the drop in subscriptions over the years was due to the community’s falling numbers and the pandemic had forced many advertisers to curtail their budgets. But had we ventured to explain the facts, the trio would have immediately termed us anti-national, seditious urban Naxalites.
"We already have a draft of our first column," said Alamai, depositing some dirty, handwritten, exercise book sheets on our table. (We discreetly sprayed some disinfectant on the papers. Everyone in the office is very particular about following Covid protocols.)
"As we have had to actually do some research on the answers instead of relying solely on our immense storehouse of knowledge, we expect a higher payment," said Aflatoon, sheltering behind Alamai’s immense girth.
Rather than outright refuse any increment and incur their wrath (their column is the most read and talked about by discerning community members — most of whom do not subscribe to Parsiana but borrow copies to surreptitiously read the trio’s hateful muck), we replied as Bombay Parsi Punchayet (BPP) trustee Dr Nelie Noble did in 1974 when newly elected BPP trustee and electoral foe Jamshed Guzder said he hoped they could work together: "Joisu (we’ll see)."
We hesitantly picked up the first sheet and read the scrawl:
Question 1: Does a pure Parsi Zoroastrian born of both Parsi Zoroastrian parents and grandparents, who wears the sudreh-kusti and prays five times a day, require to take the coronavirus vaccine? Or does he/she have spiritual immunity?
(Letap, the only one of the three who actually reads Parsiana, noted when the publication carried its "nonsensical" piece on the vaccine, we had not put this pertinent question to the medical fraternity. We admitted that ignoring the spiritual aspect and only stating scientific facts was a grave error on our part. "The whole magazine is an error," quipped Alamai with a smirk.)
Answer 1: Pure, prayerful Parsis have a moral armor so definitely do not require the vaccine. But without it you may be barred from accessing certain services. For example if you want to board the second class, air conditioned, chair car of the Gujarat Express for Udvada, or reside at the local hotels and dharamshalas or even attend a Parsi natak on any one of the three Parsi New Years a vaccination certification may be mandatory. So perforce you will have to take the vaccine. Make sure the vaccine is the one manufactured by a Parsi company. That way fewer juddin (non-Parsi) germs enter the body. Should you, however, decide to stay confined to your rooms, not venture out or admit anyone, you can forget about the jab.
"That’s a thoughtful and practical reply," we interjected.
Question 2: Several progressive states in the country have passed enlightened laws discouraging or preventing interfaith marriages. Why can’t a similar law be passed for Parsis? (Letap indicated a representation had been made to the state government but as they were busy changing the names of cities, the proposed legislation was on the back burner. "That’s just an expression," he observed, being of a literary mind. There was no literal fire. "No offense should be taken," he added. "None taken," we replied but requested them to avoid such phrases altogether as they may be misconstrued as "offending religious sentiments.")
Answer 2: An excellent idea. But pending such legislation in our state why don’t you send your son or daughter to Uttar or Madhya Pradesh on a honeymoon? Then you lodge a complaint with the local police stating your offspring has been kidnapped and may convert to another religion. These states have considerable expertise in handling such sensitive matters. Once your delinquent child is arrested and thrown in jail and the spouse beaten to a pulp, their ardor should subside. Hopefully, they’ll divorce. If not, at least they can serve as a deterrent to others who want to marry parjats (non-Parsis).
Question 3 pertains to a query we received from one of our faithful column readers. We will refer to her as Dookhi (pained). She wrote: ‘Dear Alamai, Since all you three columnists are single or separated or divorced or widowed and childless you may not know the suffering a woman like me goes through. As you are, however, highly respected individuals in our [chust (pure) Zarthoshtis] section of the community and very knowledgeable in our Parsi religion and reet rivaj (customs) I wish to seek your sage advice. My seven-year-old granddaughter who is to have her navjote performed later this year has said she wants to be a vegetarian! This as you can imagine has deeply distressed the entire family. Her parents threatened that if she persisted with this anti-Parsi attitude they would stop taking her to nataks on New Year day, deny her falooda on Jamshedi Navroz and stop her supply of Ava roz dar ni poris. But the shameless child remains adamant. I think she gets her stubbornness from my daughter-in-law’s side of the family. My son, on the other hand, is very obedient and does what I say.
‘I confided this dietary sin of my granddaughter to my neighbors who advised me to keep the matter secret and only inquire from our priest if a navjote can be performed of such a rebellious child. But before I consult Ervad Sachu Bol, I thought I should seek your greatly valued guidance. In anguish, yours sincerely, Dookhi.’
‘PS: Please do not disclose my name. As it is, my daughter-in-law is constantly chaaving (winding/instigating) my granddaughter against me.’
Answer 3: Your granddaughter is certainly a spoilt brat. Next thing you know she’ll become an atheist or want to marry a non-Parsi! You have to draw the line somewhere. All our scriptures are clear on the subject: all grass eaters are unParsi. We are told Parsi sanctuaries like the Ripon Club besides barring women from full membership may also prohibit vegetarians. The managing committee is considering the option and once a certain former BPP chairman gives a green signal, they will implement the ban. If that threat does not frighten the silly girl, we don’t know what will.
You can also in a mixer blend some tender mutton in her bhaji or sprinkle ham on her ice cream. Once she is addicted to the taste, tell her what she’s eaten. She’ll either walk out of the house never to return or become an avowed non-vegetarian. Either way the family’s good name will be protected.
The column looked promising, a fresh change from the usual rant the three churn out each issue. They have also very kindly agreed to entertain questions from pure Parsi readers, even if they are not Parsiana subscribers.