After our last editorial on the Qissa-i-Queens (QiQ — pronounced kick. — Kennedy airport being located in the New York borough of Queens) our office was flooded with thousands of phone calls, visitors, emails, faxes (yes, people do still send them), text messages from readers thirsting to know more about the futuristic flight of the Parsis to the New World written in the year 2503 AD around 500 years after the event. Till then it was an oral tradition ("Flight of fantasy," Editorial Viewpoint, Parsiana March 7, 2013).
Questions were raised as to how Parsiana could so ably and accurately predict the future odyssey: Which software did we use? What brand of crystal ball did we gaze into to create this 20th-21st century masterpiece of prophesy, this legendary lore of the community’s foray into North America (NA)?
Readers, trustees and academicians inquired as to how the Parsi pilgrims dressed for the treacherous journey. Did they carry the holy fire with them on board the 747? (Only matches were taken — editors.) Were wives and children taken along for the hazardous flight across four continents, various seas, at least one ocean and a two-hour stopover? Did they take juddin wives soon after their arrival in the west? Did anyone get muscle cramps? Dehydration? Deep vein thrombosis? Air sickness? Was there a terrorist threat to deter them from departing? Were the air hostesses rude? The pilots drunk? Did the plane skid off the runway? Was the food served in the economy section edible, warm, healthy or high calorie? And so on.
The most common queries, however, pertained to the conditions specified by the local rulers (read immigration officials) for the pilgrims’ stay in NA: Were they allowed to follow their faith unfettered by constitutional constraints such as not discriminating on grounds of gender, race, color, creed, caste, etc. Would they have to abide by freedom of speech, the right to convert and other humbug practices, totally abhorrent and alien to the great Parsi religion?
Readers recalled numerous conditions laid down by Jadi Rana (JR) in the Qissa-i-Sanjan (QiS, pronounced kiss) on the original shippies who landed on Gujarat’s hospitable shores. These included no admission to non-Parsis in fire temples and doongerwadis, no marrying out of the faith, marriage under the Special Marriage Act akin to living in an adulterous relationship, no conversion to or from the faith, no non-Parsi to eat food prayed upon by Parsi priests, only males to be priests, etc. (Actually none of these featured in the five conditions stated in the QiS. They were first documented in The BPP Review of 1693 A.D. — editors.)
After the three full-time philologists employed on the Parsiana staff carefully studied the American-English in the QiQ, peppered with colloquial phrases such as "Full on," "Chill," "Whatever," "I’m good," "Think-out-of-the-box" and the like we are happy to present a verbatim account of what transpired when the Parsi pilgrims landed in New York.
Parsi leader Behdin Alamai Fekumaster (BAF) to immigration officer (IO): If you’re not going to present us with any bowl of milk for us to sweeten, at least give us some conditions to follow so that we can tell future generations we kept our word to our new rulers. By the way, who is your king?
IO [Due to US privacy laws we cannot disclose the IO’s name, however in the strictest confidence only for the eyes of Parsi Zoroastrians born of both Parsi parents and grandparents, her name was Mucho Patiencetos (MP)]: Our king, Elvis died 35 years ago. He set the tone but he didn’t pass any laws. Regarding conditions, firstly you can’t engage in any job or commercial activity on a tourist visa. (Groans)
Secondly, you can’t stay beyond the dates specified in your visa. (Moans)
Thirdly, you cannot marry a US citizen solely for the purpose of acquiring a green card/citizenship. (More groans)
Fourthly, when you marry, then no dowry is permitted. However in an effort to boost the bankrupt US automobile industry, an American-made car can be accepted as a wedding present from the groom or bride.
Lastly you are permitted to carry firearms for self-defense with the exception of rapid grenade launchers, shoulder-to-air heat seeking, armor piercing Stinger missiles and guns with a bore exceeding two inches.
BAF: As far as weapons are concerned we only carry sapats (slippers). And have no fear of our marrying Latinos, Afro-Americans, American Indians, Chinese Americans, Vietnamese… But are there any White Anglo Saxon Protestants (WASPs) still around?
IO: Chill. They are as scarce as Parsis.
BAF: Awesome. Now regarding dowries. You see we have a very high incidence of never-marries in the community. Without some incentive, marriages won’t take place. Our numbers are diminishing. In the last Government of India census the Parsis were down to 857. Now every Parsi owns six flats because only Parsi Zoroastrians are allowed to reside therein. We’re all millionaires. We want to share our wealth.
IO: Dude, why didn’t you say so in the beginning instead of all this sugar in the milk mumbo jumbo? Welcome to America. All conditions waived."
BAF to Parsis gathered around: For future migrations remember money, not sugar, is the real sweetener.