After many months Parsiana’s orthodox columnists osti Alamai, osta Aflatoon and behdin Letap came marching into our office seething with rage. We were wondering if we had inadvertently expressed some liberal point of view in the magazine or erroneously criticized some traditionalist initiative with which they were associated.
"You pride yourselves on being a news journal but a BPP (Bombay Parsi Punchayet) election was held and you never informed your readers about the event, mooaa (accursed)."
We looked dumbfounded at the trio.
"Don’t put on your ‘I don’t know anything’ act with us. Just because you publish all those subscriber comments claiming Parsiana’s strengths to be honest, bold and such nonsense, don’t think we believe you.
"We elected five male and two female trustees to the BPP. Now we find there are three women on the board. How did that happen without an election? The trustees don’t have the power to co-opt. We smell a conspiracy here to keep the community in the dark," the trio ranted.
"But, but there are only two women trustees," we spluttered in defense.
"Liar. That’s what we thought you’d say," and with a flourish Alamai took out from her hand embroidered Chinese cloth bag, an issue of The BPP Review with a picture of the seven trustees at a Save the Aviary at Doongerwadi (SAD) function held in a bungli (they wanted to hold the meeting in an empty aviary to underline the absence of the winged scavengers but as the structure is still at the design stage, they opted for the bungli). They reportedly drew their inspiration for an appropriate setting from the former Maldives president Maurmoon Nasheed who held a cabinet meeting underwater to highlight the dangers to the islands on account of rising sea levels due to global warming (he was ousted from office sometime later — editors). Alamai pointed to three persons in the photo.
We stared at the faces and then realization struck. "That’s not a woman!" we exclaimed in unison. "That’s the BPP chairman Dinshaw Mehta. He’s letting his hair grow long!"
"How do we know? His photo in every issue of the Review shows him with a crew cut," blurted Alamai.
"Look, you can see his moustache," we pointed out. Then we realized the faint hint of a dark shadow over Alamai’s upper lip and switched to pointing out Mehta’s trademark: a closely clenched fist and hostile visage donned whenever he is in the presence of WAPIZ (World Alliance of Parsi Irani Zarthoshtis) founder trustees (two are on the BPP board).
"Oh khodai! You’re right," they gasped. "But why? Why would he want to look like a bairu (woman)?
We shrugged our shoulders. "No one knows or if they know they’re not telling. But we have heard in his inner circle some people have started referring to him as Baba!"
"You mean he wants to don the role of a Messiah?" asked an incredulous Aflatoon. "But the Punchayet already has one. And to adapt from Shakespeare’s Henry IV, ‘two stars in one orbit cannot keep, nor can one Punchayet brook the double religiosity of Dinshaw Mehta and Khojeste Mistree.’
"Another group says he wants to switch from the Congress to the BJP and go to Ayodhya as a sadhu," we explained. "He’s reported to be a ‘Narendra Modi-for-prime minister fan.’ He keeps saying mandir waha hee banega (We will build the Ram temple only at that spot where the Babri Masjid stood)."
"Why not the Iranshah, also?" queried Letap.
"For that Mehta says he will have to consult the high priests," we pointed out adding, "Since they agree on very little it may be better to build an atash behram and an agiary. The King (atash behram) must have a vazir (prime minister).
"Some people speculate that since he was keen on avian preservation and breeding, he was turning his hair into a nest for sparrows. He has been conferred the prestigious For the Birds award by the Sparrow Preservation and Cloning Association (SPCA).
"Other stories doing the rounds include:
— he is angling for a job as an editor of a hair magazine published by a friend. Acquaintances say once he steps down from the BPP, he’ll miss writing the Chairman’s Message so he might look for some alternate, creative outlet.
— the Broadway musical Hair greatly moved Mehta and sometimes in the BPP board meetings he hums a few verses from the songs ("How can people be so cruel? How can people be so hard? Easy to be hard, easy to be cold," etc).
— after seeing Hedy Lamarr cut Victor Mature’s tresses in Cecil B. DeMille’s Samson and Delilah, he developed a phobia for haircuts.
— he is thinking of converting to Sikhism.
— he wants to go to Tirupati for a haircut and sell his hair. Tresses are a major Indian export and Parsi hair is highly prized as many Parsis insist on using only bawaji hair for their wigs."
"But how can he represent the community at international forums looking like some ageing hippy or terrorist?" queried Alamai.
"He went to London for the Everlasting Flame exhibition this month," we countered. "The British immigration and security personnel thought he was an incarnation of the prophet. (Reincarnation is not part of Zoroastrian theology, but to be on the safe side readers are advised to do good in this world just in case — editors).
"The last rumor we heard was that since he can’t stand for any further terms in the BPP — his 21 years’ limit being over in 2015 — he may undergo a sex change and contest as either Dinbai or Dinoo Mehta!"
"But won’t he lose his chairmanship or rather chairwomanship?" asked Alamai "He/she will not have seniority. (The chair is occupied by the senior most, serving trustee — editors.)
"But Dinoo will have 21 years to regain the post," we observed. "Last time he made four trustees resign at one stroke. This time he/she’ll aim for six."
"A sixer!" exclaimed Letap. "Wah!"
"But then wouldn’t Dinbai be obliged to have her navjote done again? She’ll be a different person. We don’t want a juddin (heathen) chairperson," asserted Alamai.
"A baug has already been booked," we replied.